Being a mum is definitely the most rewarding job I've ever had. I love everything about it, and yet I am so exhausted! As of the past 3-4 weeks Liana only wakes up once in the night to be fed, the only time we leave the house during the weekdays is to go for walks or for appointments, and we aren't doing very strenuous activities at home. So why am I so darn tired? I honestly think it's more "mental exhaustion" than anything. I have so many thoughts spinning around in my head about what I want to do as I move forward in my life after maternity leave. Childcare for Liana, my job, taking classes, finding time to spend with my family, future children... There is so much to think about while also remaining in the moment. And it's super hard to actually find time to sit down and make a plan while taking care of a new baby.

The most important topic on my plate: Childcare. I have only two and a half weeks left of my maternity leave, and we still don't have a plan for childcare. This is stressing me out to no end, but I don't even know where to begin. My entire family and everyone else that has offered to help us out with babysitting and whatnot is about 2-3 hours away from us, so while the offer is very much appreciated, it doesn't really help us. Daycare centers for infants usually run around $50/day and if I am to be working full time (which I really need to be), that can run us up to $250/week, which is money that we don't have. I'm feeling pretty stuck knowing that we can't afford daycare, but we also can't afford for me to not be working. :(

So that issue brings up thoughts like: Should I get a new job? I know I should find a job that pays more and/or that is closer to home, but I LOVE my job. I've never been able to say that and I honestly don't know a ton of other people who can say that. Of course I have some off days at work and I get the occasional grumpy-pants customer, but I love Whole Foods (Oh, I feel so lame). Should I take classes to be more qualified for another job? Yes I have a Bachelor's degree, but it's a dual degree in sociology and women's studies. Now I know what you're thinking, "what the hell do you do with that?" Exactly. I would really really love to do some type of work with computer technology--(have you seen my new blog layout? It took days of playing around with xml and css codes to get it to look this good!). I am not really qualified for any jobs with computers though, so I would have to take more classes for that. I think my dream would be to incorporate my creative side with my slightly tech savvy side and do graphic design work. Now that is a whole other ballgame.

My biggest problem-- indecisiveness. About EVERYTHING. And for me, that means not acting at all. I have all these thoughts building up and what have I done? Write a blog post about it.

Anyway, enough of me rambling. Here's what you all came for, another photo of my little Ani.

My introduction to the joys of motherhood!

Routines.

Recovery.

Liana is three weeks old today. Between naps and spit-up and poop, it's been a pretty amazing three weeks!! It hasn't been long, but I know already that motherhood is such a blessing. Every little thing Liana does is exciting. I've watched her roll over on the floor already, hold her head up for a couple minutes until she gets too tired and then she gets wobbly, sitting up by just gripping my fingers in her tiny hands for support, and watching her eyes adjust as she tries grabbing for my necklace again and again (she got it twice in a row one day!).


I'm sure I'm the only one who has noticed how much she's grown already too. I look at her tiny hands and head and think "those were definitely smaller before!" I still stare at her face in amazement and wonder how she will grow into all of her features and what color her eyes will be (they are blue right now, but I think they are getting darker).


Being a mum has changed my life so much, and I love every aspect of it. Some people feel like they have to sacrifice a lot when becoming a parent, but I don't really feel that way. I've been allowed to be selfish and think of only myself for twenty-five years, and I feel like that was long enough. I'm so ready to give everything I have to take care of my little peanut. I want to do whatever it takes to be a great mother and watch Liana learn and grow. I loved being pregnant so much. I loved feeling her kick and tumble and hiccup. I loved poking my tummy and playing with the little mystery person inside. Every decision I made was with her in mind, and I know that will continue for the next eighteen years. There is nothing more beautiful than creating life and watching it grow into something wonderful. <3


Happy Mother's Day to all of you lovely women who have been blessed with a bundle of joy. Cherish each and every moment with your little ones! <3

How far along? 39 weeks.
Total weight gain? 26-27 lbs.
Stretch marks? Same.
Best moment this week? Being surprised at work with a card, cake, drawing, and Graco Pack 'n Play from my coworkers! Also, crafting up a wall decoration with baby's name to hang above her crib. I'll be finishing it tomorrow, it's so cute and I can't wait to show everyone!

38 week update.

How far along? 38 weeks.
Total weight gain? 26 lbs, I gained 1lb back from the 2lbs I lost last week!
Stretch marks? No new ones. Still lotioning up my itchy belly.
Best moment this week? Setting up most of Roo's nursery with my mom and washing baby's tiny clothes! I also finally ordered my breast pump!

A few goodies from roo's nursery!

"Emergency" third trimester ultrasound.

On Monday at my appointment with my midwife, she did her usually pocking and prodding of my tummy to check on baby's relative size and position. She measured my fundal height at 36 weeks (I was 36 weeks, 1 day), and noted that I have been measuring small for the past 3 appointments. After feeling the baby, she expressed additional concern that she may have been mistaking Roo's hips for her shoulders, and that the baby might actually be breech. So we scheduled a late ultrasound for two days later (today) to asses Roo's growth and position. Those 48 hours seemed to crawl by. I just wanted to know that my baby was getting the nutrients she needed and that her growth pattern was normal, and that she wasn't breech.

My midwife warned me that if it was determined the baby has a slowed growth rate, that we would need to schedule an induction. In addition to that, if she has a slowed growth rate AND was breech, they would most likely schedule a c-section. HOW TERRIFYING. All I could think of was how much I wanted to naturally experience the surprise of labor and everything that childbirth has to offer. I'm sure there are mothers out there thinking I'm nuts, but I don't care about the pain or feeling like it will never be over. I want to go into labor when my baby is ready and dilate on my own and push her out when I get the urge. All without medical intervention and especially without any medication.
Long story short, the ultrasound report (shown above) came back completely normal. They did estimate her to be a bit small for her gestational age, but she is in the 18th percentile so they aren't overly concerned ("Normal" is between the 10th and 90th percentile). They checked on the development of her heart, stomach, bladder, and brain, as well as the condition of my ovaries, cervix, placenta, and the umbilical cord. Everything came back with great results. My tiny baby girl is perfectly healthy and developing just as she should be! :) And yes, they reported her position as "vertex" which means she is head down and ready to engage. I couldn't be happier.

37 week update

How far along? 37 weeks.
Total weight gain? 25 lbs. I actually lost 2 lbs this past week.
Stretch marks? Still on the look out for new ones, but none so far.
Best moment this week? The baby shower on Saturday! Everything was amazing, my mom did such a fantastic job planning it. I had a lot of fun and it was so nice to see my family. Now I can't wait to bring my little roo to family events in the future. :)

Veggie Galaxy

To celebrate baby's well-being and the end to a very stressful 48 hours for myself and Ashton, we treated ourselves to a scrumptious vegan lunch at Veggie Galaxy in Cambridge! I had the stuffed French toast (who can go wrong when breakfast is served all day?!) and Ashton chose the bacon tempeh burger--both of which were AMAZING. And at the end of our meal we snagged a chocolate peanut butter frappe to go!

How far along? 34 weeks.
Total weight gain? 25 lbs.
Stretch marks? They are making their way to the tops of my boobs as well. Sound so attractive right?! Still none on the belly or anywhere else though.
Best moment this week? Meeting my new midwife (she's actually really great!) and being able to discuss lots of options for my labor and delivery (including cord blood banking, a birthing tub, and a doula!). It turns out she is able to get to the hospital three days out of the week so she will only be present at my delivery if it occurs on one of those three days. Otherwise I will be accompanied by another midwife in the Brigham group, which I don't think I'll mind too much. But sadly, cord blood donations only occur Monday-Friday 7am-7pm, so if I deliver outside of that time frame I probably won't be able to donate. I guess having the possibility is better than not having the option at all. Also, I'm going to think about it some more, but I think I want to request the option of a birthing tub even if I don't end up using it. I am actually super excited about that possibility and want to look into it further. I didn't think using a birthing tub was even an option, but apparently they just got two new ones! Another option is having a doula, which is basically a support person during birthing time that is only there for advice/support and to make things easier by making suggestions or will step back if everything is already running smoothly. I am not sure about this option but am willing to do a little research and see how having a doula changed the birthing experience for other mums (especially since I will get a practicing doula so it will be at no additional cost to me). Although I discussed with my midwife that I want as few people as necessary in the l&d room (mostly because I don't want doctors/nurses/assistants/medical students coming and going as they please and making my birthing time stressful), I am actually willing to entertain the idea of letting a practicing doula witness a natural unmedicated child birth (if all goes well!) and add that to their experiences for when they get their license.

So many possibilities! I'm so excited for the future and to see how everything unfolds.

How far along? 32 weeks.
Total weight gain? 22+ lbs.
Stretch marks? None on my belly.
Best moment this week? Making it through a six day work week!!! Registering my prenatal care in Dorchester and setting up an appointment to meet my new midwife. Checking out an apartment with Ashton and filling out an application! (Just waiting to hear back now!) Seeing my family this past weekend for Deasha's birthday. (Happy Birthday!) I love getting to sleep over at my Mom's, I just feel so comfortable and relaxed while I'm there. I feel like it's my once-a-month mini-vacation. Too bad I only get one more before baby arrives!
I went to Whole Foods in Dedham and treated myself to the brown rice cucumber and avocado rolls, with wasabi and ginger of course! Even though the sushi is expensive I've only had it one other time since being pregnant so I thought I'd treat myself today!
Late night snacking tonight.... It's like these treats were made for me!! I let Ashton have one too, even though he's not a Mom, lol.

How far along? 31 weeks.
Total weight gain? 20-21 lbs.
Stretch marks? None on my belly.
Best moment this week? Feeling up to working a few extra hours last Thursday to count inventory after already working a regular 8 hour shift. I'm also working six days this week and feel pretty good about it, so far!