Hello again, and welcome to another "filling in the blanks" post. This one would have been dated March 9^th 2015. That is the day Liana’s baby cousin Bronson Matias took his first breath.


As soon as we heard that my sister could be in labor, Ashton, Liana, and I all piled in the car for the 112 mile ride to the hospital. I remember how long that ride was (and the fact that it was almost 11PM when we left our house). My thoughts were all over the place and every once in a while when I thought about holding my nephew for the first time I’d secretly get a little emotional. You can’t blame me, I was about to be an Auntie!



Desiree was in labor for sure, but Bronson took his sweet time and didn’t arrive until the next morning. To everyone’s surprise, he came out even smaller than Liana! He weighed in at 5 pounds, 4 ounces (compared to Liana at 5 pounds, 12 ounces).




Now I know that we’re supposed to say, “he has daddy’s eyes” or “he has mommy’s nose”, but when I saw him I immediately thought, “he has Auntie’s ears!” mainly because they looked big compared to the rest of his features. Maybe a lot of babies have big ears and they eventually grow into them, but I think I still have big ears and I took much comfort in the fact that I thought my nephew might look a little bit like me.

Baby shower flashback, February 7^th 2015.

I also thought I'd throw in a few photos I dug up from Desiree's baby shower, which was a green and orange dinosaur theme.

Everything looked amazing and everyone had an amazing time. The food was delicious and I just couldn't resist sneaking a few pictures!

I know I haven't mentioned him in the first few posts, but Ashton has been super supportive through all my mood swings and up/down moments these past few days. I have been super happy/excited, sad, angry, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, everything under the sun.. and Ashton has never left my side for a second.

We were at the urgent care facility together and when I came out into the waiting area I immediately pulled him outside and handed him the papers that say I am pregnant. All I remember him saying is "oh my god" and I didn't know if that was good or bad. I involuntarily started crying and he hugged me right away. I gave him my keys because I didn't think I could drive. My sadness turned into anger and I wouldn't talk to him for the half hour ride to his apartment and wouldn't let him touch me. I think he understood though and didn't force conversation.

I did a lot of thinking during that car ride. I was sad because I didn't think I was ready for this huge amount of responsibility that I knew was coming and I was angry at Ashton for letting this happen. But the truth is, I know I am more responsible than I give myself credit for, I have a great family that I shouldn't hesitate to turn to for support, and it's not Ashton's fault at all because we are both in this together.

My sadness and anger washed away and was then replaced by fear. I started second guessing my health and was wondering if my body would be a suitable place for a baby to thrive for the next nine months. I've heard a million times over that being vegan while pregnant isn't the easiest task in the world and I'm worried about getting enough nutrition for the both of us. While that fear remains, excitement has also been added to the mix. Desiree really brought that out for me. Seeing her happy about it really affirmed my happiness as well.

Ashton hasn't said much on the subject, but I am such an introvert that I haven't been able to share my feelings with him either. I've only said things like, "I read online that the first urine test can be wrong. I might not actually be pregnant." I know that sounds terrible, but I don't know how to tell him that if I am pregnant, I really am happy about it. I think it is because I don't know how he feels about it at all and I don't want to be happy if he is miserable. Won't he be surprised when(if) he reads this!

Thank you, Ashton, for supporting me always. I'm so lucky you are here with me. ♥

I told Desiree (my older sister) earlier tonight that I might be pregnant. I know a doctor has already told me that I am, I just don't feel pregnant. I had no idea what her reaction would be, but I showed her the papers from the urgent care facility and nearly crapped my pants when she just stared at the paper and didn't say anything. But as soon as she read it, her face lit up. She was actually really happy for me and I was so relieved. She squealed a little and hugged me and congratulated me, as long as I was happy about it. I still have mixed feelings, but yes, I think I am happy. Desiree even asked if I started taking vitamins or anything yet. I haven't, especially since I only found out two days ago and haven't had a proper doctor appointment yet, but it is so cute how concerned and interested she is already. I am so glad to have one person to share my secret with.

I have so far failed at setting up a primary care. I am just so exhausted with calling people only to tell me that I won't be fit in for an appointment for a few months. I guess this is a downfall of living in the city? But I am determined. I have to at least know how far along I am and I also haven't had a physical exam in years.

All I am hoping is that if I do have someone tiny inside of me, I hope she is healthy.