Parenthood is a gift that I am lucky enough to be receiving for the second time. But as it is known, Ashton and I have never actually tried to have a baby. Liana sprang up on us before we could even blink, and baby number two was conceived against some incredible odds—I was on a 99.9% effective birth control for almost a year. Don’t get me wrong, unplanned does not mean unwanted. I was pretty nervous when I found out I was pregnant with Liana, but once I accepted it, I completely immersed myself in impending “mommyhood” and Liana has been the best surprise of my life. She finds a way to bring joy to every single day, even when I’m not with her. I regret having to send her to daycare for ten hours each day and that time seems to slip away in the moments that we are together.
My heart is full of so much love for my smart, beautiful baby girl that I am not quite sure how I will love our new baby as much as I love Liana. That is not something a mother should admit, and thinking about that fact saddens me. I was initially worried that I would feel nothing for the new baby and, for a short while, I even felt indifferent about telling people about the pregnancy. It wasn’t until recently—about three weeks ago—that I first felt a connection with my baby. One night I thought I felt movement, but it only lasted a second and I concluded that it was too early—I was only fifteen weeks along. But the next day at work, I definitely felt movement that lasted a good few minutes! Slightly weary, I waited until the next day. I have been feeling my little bean roll around every single day since that first day, and early last week Ashton felt it for the first time too. I am now nineteen weeks pregnant—almost halfway to giving birth—and I can say I am finally enjoying it.