Wednesday, August 5, 2015

The week without Liana


Last week was entirely too long without my little munchkin. Liana spent the week with her Grammy in New Hampshire, while I was left only with pictures and her toys at home. I was well aware that I’d miss my peanut every second she was away, but I was not quite prepared for this. Without a babbling baby alarm clock, a dirty butt to wipe, a hungry mouth to aim an airplane spoon into, and a ‘tiny foot’ to tickle, I wasn’t quite sure how to spend my newly found “freedom.” Naturally, I pined over photos and anything that reminded me of her. I found myself giggling in otherwise silence remembering something that she had done the week prior. Oh, how I missed that little one!



Mommy Guilt

I thought about how much I missed her every single day. Ashton and I got some much needed time together and went out several nights after work since we literally never get the chance. There were a few evenings we arrived home after work and I immediately changed into comfy clothes and plopped on the bed to relax and I thought how nice it was to do just that: relax. On a normal day, we come home and entertain Liana for a half hour before making and feeding her dinner while we eat dinner and then getting her ready for bed. It was refreshing to be able to sink into the bed of our air conditioned room and not have to move a muscle. Except to grab a blanket within five minutes because I actually despise air conditioning for the most part.

But then... the guilt set in. I'm a mother. I am supposed to want to take care of my child. The moment my baby came into this world, I was no longer supposed to be selfish. A good mother will put the needs of her child before her own. But there I was, glad to be freed of that responsibility. How could I be so selfish? I'm still struggling with the fine line of taking care of myself and taking care of Liana. A lot of the time I want to completely immerse myself into her world. I want to play with her all day, teach her new things, make memories with her, and document those memories so she can look back on them in the future. Where does that leave me? Who am I if not in her world? I have had to learn that I am not only 'Liana's mum'. There is much more to me that being a mother (although that is the biggest and most important part!). To keep my sanity, I have to be able to relax once in a while--as hard as it is to do so. And I have to do things that are just for me once in a while, too (...like shopping!). Fighting my way through the guilt, I've come to the conclusion that it is okay to be relieved that mommy responsibilities are put on hold when I trust that Liana is under good care by someone else, whether it be her Grammy or her daycare or a babysitter for a few hours. I'm trying to let go of the guilt because I need the enjoyment of being without my sidekick every now and then. I keep telling myself that it is good for the both of us to be a part.



Upon being reunited with my little lion cub at the end of the week, I immediately had gotten the sense that she was somehow smarter. She grew in just the eight days that we were a part. I've started putting more trust in her and letting her show me that she understands what is going on. This morning just as a test, when she picked up a clothing tag from my bedroom floor I asked, "Liana, can you put that in the trash?" To my surprise she walked out of the room and stood in front of the bathroom door and looked back at me. I got up and opened the door and watched as she waddled in and very daintily placed the tag in the bottom of the trashcan. Later, I heard her smacking her lips as I was almost to the bottom of my cup of chocolate milk. As we made eye contact, she reached out for the cup. This is pushing it a little too far, I thought. But I decided to give it a shot anyway and handed her the cup. With only a tiny dribble down her chin, she knocked back the rest of the chocolate milk like she had been drinking out of a normal cup for months! Well done, Liana!


**The photos were taken at the Freetown State Forest wading pool.


32 comments:

  1. Awww it was a great week for Grammy hanging with my little Princess. She is such a little comedian always makes Grammy laugh. Also made Grammy lose 3 1/2 pounds keeping up with her. I loved it. Looking forward to our next hangout time...

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  2. Aww so lovely that her Grammy took her for a week for you. It's always nice to have break although we all feel guilty near the end. I think if no parents had a break we would all be insane by now! xx

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    1. I completely agree! As much as I missed her I know it was good for a bit of separation and am looking forward to her next sleepover!

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  3. How lovely to have a week to yourself - but I think I would feel a bit lost too. As much as I crave freedom sometimes I actually don't think I would know what to do with myself if the munchkins weren't here!

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    1. Exactly! And I wasn't sure if she was ready for it so I was nervous the while time! :(

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  4. Aww its lovely that her Granny took her away for a bit. I definitely would feel lost if Blake was away from me.

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  5. I would feel very lost without my three but at the same time I could quite use a break right now!! My older two go for weekends away but I'm never without one of them. M

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    1. I am thinking I need another break soon and she'll get to have a sleepover but I'm already feeling guilty about wanting time to myself!

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  6. Aww how lovely, I'd feel lost if my little one was away from me too. I've done a couple of nights away and felt guilty, but I think we all need that time to remember that we're us, rather than just "mommy", for a while! x

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    1. I absolutely agree! I've been trying to remember to pamper myself so I feel like myself again.

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  7. I know what you mean about the guilt but it's good to be able to relax and reconnect remembering you are more than mummy or daddy!

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    1. Definitely! I have to keep reminding myself that it is good for the both of us to keep sane!

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  8. Ohh it must have been tough for you but it looks like sounds like she had an absolute blast.

    I've come to the conclusion, that as a mum, you will feel guilty no matter what you do. It's impossible to avoid.

    Jenna at Tinyfootsteps xx

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    1. I am gathering this as well. I am slowly learning to let that feeling go and just remember to keep doing the best I can.

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  9. Ah isn't it hard when they're away? I always go up to check on them at nighttime and feel so sad when their beds are empty! I crave time to myself and then hate every moment! x x

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    1. I know, quite contradictory feelings. I guess it is all part of parenting!

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  10. It's so hard when they actually go away. Always sounds nice in the lead up but I would be so lost without Amelia. Have only left her over night or for the odd day but a whole week would be too much! Hopefully your feeling refreshed and ready to be a mama again!! :)

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    1. I definitely was refreshed after that and now I'm ready for another toddler vacation, haha!

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  11. Gosh it must have been so hard. I've only ever had 3 nights away from my eldest and those were night's when I was having his baby brother and even then I felt lost without him whilst he did not bat an eyelid about being away from me as he was having a ball with his gran.

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    1. It's funny how it is undoubtedly harder for us than it is for them. It's so not fair!

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  12. I could'nt imagine not having my boy for a whole week but sometimes you've just got to have some time for yourselfs. It really helps #Love2Blog

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    1. Absolutely! I feel refreshed after having some time to myself and being able to do something that is just for me, not involving being a parent.

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  13. I've only ever been away from Lamb for 2 nights and rage was hard enough! When he was a baby and things were tough for me I found it easier to leave him, but now I miss him even when he's at nursery for the day! Crazy how we are desperate for a break, but soon realise being with our children's is all we need xx

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    1. I know what you mean. I miss my daughter while I am at work and sometimes late in the evening I can't wait for her bedtime so I can just lie down and relax.

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  14. My mum only lived just down the road and she is very good with a last min date night! Having recently just had my son I can't imagine leaving him just yet... Though breastfeeding makes this difficult anyway!!

    I don't think you should feel any mummy guilt about the need to relax. We're all only human and we need to take care of ourselves too xxx

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    1. I agree. This was a good experience and learning opportunity for me, which I guess is what parenting is all about. I feel less guilty about it now, amd less guilty that she will be having another sleepover at grammy's when the second baby comes.

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  15. I'm sure she had a lovely week spending some good quality time with her Grammy. I hate being away from my little girl too and I miss her terribly even though I only go away for a few hours. I'm leaving her overnight for the first time very soon and I'm so nervous but I know daddy will take good care of her.

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    1. Aww, the first time is the worst but I think I'm ready for the second one soon! x

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  16. Awww it's so hard leaving them isn't it, even when you're on the brink of a breakdown and NEED a break, you just can't do it haha. Abbie is 3 and i've only left her for 5 hours once before when she was a few months old! I hate being away from her, feels like a piece of me is missing! But I do love when you see them again and they get all excited, that is amazing :) x

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    1. So true! I love picking her up at daycare when she runs into my arms with the biggest smile on her face!

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  17. Aw it can be so difficult leaving them and constantly plauging ourselves with 'mummy guilt' too - the fact that you're even feeling guilty just shows how good of a mum you are, don't worry. It sounds like you missed her loads and well done Liana for learning some new things this week. Beautiful photos by the way X

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