Still nada! Although I feel like something is definitely happening in there. Probably gas or water moving around but geesh, something sure is tumbling!

Again, I don't know how many weeks yet, but I'm gonna guess just over 10 weeks. I can't even say why I have that feeling. It's just a feeling. I also think she's a girl, as you can probably tell since I usually refer to her as "her" instead of "it." But knowing me, I will be wrong. I guess I will find out after 10 more weeks of using female pronouns
           --- A little insight on this.. I used one of those ancient Chinese tables to predict boy or girl and based on my age and month of conception, the Chinese seem to think she's a boy!

Even though a doctor has already told me that I am pregnant, I wanted to take a second test. I decided to wait a week later, thinking that the first one might have been a false positive, but this test is positive as well. (That really is a plus sign, even though the horizontal line looks a lot lighter in this picture.) I honestly think I bought the test because I started getting paranoid that I wasn't actually pregnant now that I want to be. Oh, the mood swings I am having! Ha! So now I have exactly one more week until my first prenatal appointment and I just can't wait!

I took this cheap CVS pregnancy test as confirmation and made my first pregnancy-related purchase today: Earth Mama Body Butter. It's a vegan body lotion to help with dry, itching, and stretching skin from pregnancy and will hopefully reduce stretch marks. I bought 2 bottles, so I hope it works and smells good! I'm sure it will though, as I've read so many good reviews on it.

This morning I set up a primary care physician, chose an OB/GYN and scheduled several appointments. My first appointment is next friday, October 4th with a midwife, Elizabeth Kettyle, for an initial appointment, which I am told is the longest, about an hour! I'm so so nervous, but also can't wait. 9 days away! It seems like forever away right now. If all goes well with that appointment, my second one is scheduled for October 24 with Dr. Cristina Diaz and should only be about 15-20 minutes. Usually the second appointment is about a month after the first but the woman I spoke with in the OB department said I might be a few weeks further along than I think and I can always push back the date of the appointment depending on what I find out in my first appointment. (If I am further along than I think, the beginning of this has been a breeze!) I decided to go with Dedham Medical Associates for my OB/GYN since they have been the most helpful of all the places that I've called.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I finally have scheduled appointments. But now I am just super anxious about them. I am excited and terrified of my first appointment already. I hope the baby is okay.

I know I haven't mentioned him in the first few posts, but Ashton has been super supportive through all my mood swings and up/down moments these past few days. I have been super happy/excited, sad, angry, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, everything under the sun.. and Ashton has never left my side for a second.

We were at the urgent care facility together and when I came out into the waiting area I immediately pulled him outside and handed him the papers that say I am pregnant. All I remember him saying is "oh my god" and I didn't know if that was good or bad. I involuntarily started crying and he hugged me right away. I gave him my keys because I didn't think I could drive. My sadness turned into anger and I wouldn't talk to him for the half hour ride to his apartment and wouldn't let him touch me. I think he understood though and didn't force conversation.

I did a lot of thinking during that car ride. I was sad because I didn't think I was ready for this huge amount of responsibility that I knew was coming and I was angry at Ashton for letting this happen. But the truth is, I know I am more responsible than I give myself credit for, I have a great family that I shouldn't hesitate to turn to for support, and it's not Ashton's fault at all because we are both in this together.

My sadness and anger washed away and was then replaced by fear. I started second guessing my health and was wondering if my body would be a suitable place for a baby to thrive for the next nine months. I've heard a million times over that being vegan while pregnant isn't the easiest task in the world and I'm worried about getting enough nutrition for the both of us. While that fear remains, excitement has also been added to the mix. Desiree really brought that out for me. Seeing her happy about it really affirmed my happiness as well.

Ashton hasn't said much on the subject, but I am such an introvert that I haven't been able to share my feelings with him either. I've only said things like, "I read online that the first urine test can be wrong. I might not actually be pregnant." I know that sounds terrible, but I don't know how to tell him that if I am pregnant, I really am happy about it. I think it is because I don't know how he feels about it at all and I don't want to be happy if he is miserable. Won't he be surprised when(if) he reads this!

Thank you, Ashton, for supporting me always. I'm so lucky you are here with me. ♥

I told Desiree (my older sister) earlier tonight that I might be pregnant. I know a doctor has already told me that I am, I just don't feel pregnant. I had no idea what her reaction would be, but I showed her the papers from the urgent care facility and nearly crapped my pants when she just stared at the paper and didn't say anything. But as soon as she read it, her face lit up. She was actually really happy for me and I was so relieved. She squealed a little and hugged me and congratulated me, as long as I was happy about it. I still have mixed feelings, but yes, I think I am happy. Desiree even asked if I started taking vitamins or anything yet. I haven't, especially since I only found out two days ago and haven't had a proper doctor appointment yet, but it is so cute how concerned and interested she is already. I am so glad to have one person to share my secret with.

I have so far failed at setting up a primary care. I am just so exhausted with calling people only to tell me that I won't be fit in for an appointment for a few months. I guess this is a downfall of living in the city? But I am determined. I have to at least know how far along I am and I also haven't had a physical exam in years.

All I am hoping is that if I do have someone tiny inside of me, I hope she is healthy.

This morning was the first that I felt pretty nauseous on and off. I haven't gotten sick though. *fingers crossed* I weighed myself at 119 lbs this morning around 9 am. Not even the teeniest baby bump yet. Hooray. We all know that won't last, haha.

Today I went to an urgent care facility in Norwood, MA for a completely unrelated issue and ended up finding out that I am pregnant! That sure explains the moodiness, my one day period last month, and all of the tenderness in my chest.

I have mixed feelings. I didn't plan this, so I am scared. I feel unprepared and inadequate to take on this responsibility. But I must be excited deep down because I have been googling anything and everything related to pregnancy all day. From "can my doctor be wrong?", to ultrasound pictures of eleven weeks, to blogs and vlogs of other pregnant women. The fact that I decided to make this blog already is also a small indication of excitement, I suppose...?

I hope to schedule a prenatal appointment soon to absolutely confirm that I am pregnant and find out more about what happens next. I haven't decided where to go yet. Maybe Norwood Hospital? That is where the urgent care facility recommended I begin. I also don't know how to tell anyone. For now, you are my own little secret.

My most curious thought at the moment: if you're really in there, how old are you? I'm still scared that you're there, but I secretly hope that you're there. <3